After twenty-one years of marriage and two children, I asked for a divorce. I never intended to be a single mom, but it was necessary for our future happiness. I was unhappy and no longer in love; the marriage had become contentious and escalated daily for years. After numerous years and multiple therapists, I realized there was no hope of saving our marriage, divorce was imminent. Although he was okay with staying in a loveless and unhappy marriage, I made the painful choice and bore the heavy burden of asking for a divorce. I never imagined I would become a divorcee; I thought I would only experience one marriage in my entire life. I desperately wanted a divorce to escape the decaying marriage that no one could see, but I faced each day with the terrifying fear of becoming a single mom. When I married and had two children, the idea of being a single mom never crossed my mind until I had no choice. From the outside, we lived what appeared to be a perfect marriage. However, the world can’t see the pain behind those walls. Often, people present to the public what they want others to see, and those on the outside draw their conclusions based on what they choose to believe. Any narrative and image can be crafted for a marriage or a divorce. The public and private personas told two very different stories in our marriage.

There were many conflicting emotions surrounding the idea of divorce. I felt both terrified and relieved at the prospect of divorce. After leaving my marriage, I was consumed by fear but also felt a sense of freedom. However, the dominant emotion was the crippling uncertainty of how I would survive as a single mom. The thought of starting my life over in my mid-forties as a divorcee was overwhelming. I had no job or income and was about to become a single mom. By our mutual choice as a couple, I had given up my career to raise our children and hadn’t practiced law for fifteen years. Throughout the long marriage, this evolution occurred slowly; it’s something you hardly notice happening. As the divorce unfolded, I realized I was financially frozen, starting over as a single mom without any income. No one would consider me because of my lack of credit history and pay stubs during that time. My credit history was nearly nonexistent since he was the primary account holder on most credit cards. When I moved out as a single mom, I rented a place that fortunately accepted me based on my word and a large deposit. When I was finally able to buy my first home as a divorcee and newly single mom, I had to write multiple letters explaining why I divorced and why, as an attorney, I had no recent work or earning history to qualify for a home purchase. Fortunately, I secured a job at my old law firm where I worked fifteen years earlier. Still, without recent employment history, my decision to stay home and raise my family, followed by leaving my marriage and getting divorced, proved a significant hurdle I was determined to overcome. I wrote letters detailing my situation and pleaded for the home loan. I was asked to provide collateral and eventually given an extremely high-interest loan. Still, I became a homeowner as a single mom and took pride in owning a beautiful home where I would raise my children.  My new beginning and newfound happiness was taking shape as a single mom.

As a single mom in our new home, I created a beautiful life for my children. I was recently divorced, and building my credit history while re-establishing my life in my forties felt both terrifying and liberating. But no one sees this side of the equation. The choice was either to remain in silent misery in a financially comfortable setting, where everyone thought we had the perfect life, or to find genuine happiness for myself and my children by leaving the marriage, going through the divorce, and becoming a single mom.  

I chose to take a risk, go all in myself and take the leap of faith.  I knew that I had so much life left to live and to stay in a contemptuous marriage was not an option.  Although I was filled with fear of how I would handle the overwhelming responsibilities of single mom life as a divorcee, I couldn’t let fear fuel my choice to stay trapped in a hopeless and bitter marriage.   I took a calculated risk relying on my education, experience, and faith in God that he would guide me as a single mom.  And God did just that, he guided me to find the love of my life.