One of the most impactful tools Jeff and I devised was a bucket list. This was a bucket list of hope, aimed at creating memories and inspiring us to continue fighting for more time together. When we received the terminal diagnosis of three to six months to live, we felt frozen in time, wondering if we would ever have another opportunity to create beautiful memories. Time stood still in that hospital room the day he was diagnosed, and all our dreams and future memories we hoped to make were shattered. The pain coursing through our bodies was debilitating; we couldn’t believe that our magical love story was coming to an end, and we couldn’t stop time. We faced so many fears, including the worry of whether we could create more memories together. Not realizing it at the time, that bucket list became a lifeline of hope. We fought cancer and each new tumor aggressively to buy more time together so we could have more memories to cherish. Time was our most precious commodity, and this bucket list strengthened our resolve to push through the fear and pain to create more memories. We were grateful that during that fight, we gained an additional three years together. All our efforts to fight for more time were successful; our bucket list was a vital part of that. Although we wanted as much time as God would gift us, we remained thankful for the time we were given—those additional three years to create memories for our hearts as we checked off our bucket list. 

Shortly after Jeff’s diagnosis, before his first surgery and treatments, we sat together in a dimly lit restaurant, cherishing every moment and creating a bucket list. A list filled with hope and memories. On that bucket list were many places to experience and make memories together, such as a road trip to Northern California through Big Sur, watching a Seahawks game in Seattle, and visiting Paris. This bucket list renewed our spirits, which felt depleted each day, as we struggled to find the strength to move forward and fight for more Time. We would revisit the bucket list and envision the memories we would create, allowing us to escape from cancer momentarily. While we could never truly escape cancer, the joy of making those memories recharged our determination to seek more time. Each checkmark on the bucket list allowed us to reflect on the photos and memories in our hearts, knowing that together we were, at least for a while, setting cancer aside and effectively buying more time together.

One of the mottos that Jeff and I lived by was to never lead a life with regrets. Although the terminal cancer diagnosis changed everything, we couldn’t allow that diagnosis to dictate our destiny; we never wanted to look back and ponder all the what-ifs and almost maybes. We aimed to live as much as possible together and to buy as much time as God would gift us.

Our bucket list was an integral part of living a life without regrets. We understood that every shot we didn’t take was a lost opportunity. Together, we hoped and prayed for more time in those dark valleys and on those mountains as we gave praise to God, fighting for more time while exploring the world and checking items off our bucket list. We created joyful memories from that bucket list when Jeff was between treatments; we were buying life’s most precious gift: time together.  

After losing Jeff, the time we spent together and the memories we created were vital to my healing. When I reflect on these memories, I’m often met with tears, but they also bring a smile to my heart where only devastating pain once existed. I am eternally grateful for the beauty we created from that tiny piece of paper we penned from our bucket list of hope, where so many beautiful memories reside.